Act 3

Scene 8: I pray to a god at random

ame chamber where we left our adventurers in the previous scene. They are still frozen in time by Wilhelm’s spell. Yorri is lying on the bed with his head covered with a pillow, Lithaniel is lying on the floor, and Gottfried is hiding behind the window curtain. Jack, lately brought back to life, stands on the threshold. Wilhelm walks past Jack in the doorway and enters the room.]

[Wilhelm] [looking around, turning to the audience] Well, now you know what’s going on. Right, looks like we can continue.

[The demon enters the wall, and a snap of fingers is heard from the inside of the wall. The adventurers can move again.]

[Gottfried] [from behind the curtain] How is this possible?!

[Lithaniel] [to Jack] Hey! I killed you! You can’t even manage to stay dead, you little jerk!

[Yorri] [voice muffled by the pillow] Aaa !!! It’s him again! I pray!!!

[Lithaniel, Gottfried] [together, surprised] What now?!

[Yorri] [throwing away the pillow] I pray!

[Gottfried] To whom?

[Yorri] [irritated] Whomever, I don’t care! This is our only hope… [pointing to his face] Look what that little bastard did to me!

[Yorri starts mumbling a prayer. Jack stands there confused for a moment, then moves forward. At this point, a small goblin with glasses and wearing a jacket emerges from under the bed. He gestures to Jack showing him to stop.]

[Sharankiel] [putting a finger to his lips] Shhh …

[Gottfried] What in the…

[Sharankiel] [in a raspy but extremely loud voice] Shut up!

[Everyone freezes in surprise. Satisfied, the goblin reaches into his jacket and produces some very old, yellowed paper.]

[Sharankiel] [clearing his throat] You have chosen the I.P.T.A.G.A.R. service, which stands for “I Pray To A God At Random.”

[Sharankiel hides the paper and takes three 10-sided dice from his pocket, then rolls up his sleeves.]

[Sharankiel] The lottery goblin’s sleeves are empty. The lock is released. [the goblin rolls the dice] The roll commences …

[The dice roll and stop at four hundred and twenty-one. The goblin picks up the dice and puts them back in his pocket, then takes the paper out again.]

[Sharankiel] [reading from the paper] The result of the roll is four hundred and twenty-one. You’ve managed to contact Yappgarrak.

[Yorri] [with eyes wide open in surprise] Who the hell is Yappgarrak?!

[Sharankiel] [adjusting his glasses] Yappgarrak is the snotling god of … dung.

[Yorri] What did you call me, you green slimy worm?!

[Lithaniel] No, I think he means… this god … his element or attribute is … dung?

[Sharankiel] [grinning] Yes, sir! [to Yorri] Now Yappgarrak’s blessing will be bestowed … After all, you are only his twelfth worshiper. The god will surely appreciate that.

[At this point, a large, smelly stain appears out of nowhere on Yorri’s clothing.]

[Yorri] [surprised] What the hell is that ?!

[Sharankiel] [nodding] Oh, such a generous gift. You have been marked as the god’s chosen! It’s a holy stain!

[Yorri] [in a barely audible resigned voice] And what does it do?

[Sharankiel] It won’t wash off!

[Yorri, Gottfried, Lithaniel] …

[The goblin happily cleans up his inventory.]

[Sharankiel] [disappearing under the bed] Thank you for choosing I.P.T.A.G.A.R. We hope to hear from you again!

[Jack] [clashing his claws together] Well you little buggers, any more brilliant ideas before I cut you to pieces?

[Lithaniel] [to himself] I’m going to die at the hands of a halfling Jack the Ripper… What humiliation.

[At that moment, however, Gottfried mumbles a magic formula, rushes towards Jack and touches his forehead. The halfling falls unconscious to the ground.]

[Yorri] [eyes widening] What the hell was that?!

[Gottfried] [happily] Ha, it’s in! The “Sleep” spell worked!

[Lithaniel] [through his teeth] Gottfried …

[Gottfried] Yes?

[Lithaniel] Tell me, my introvert magician friend… [screaming] Why didn’t you do this much, much earlier ?!

[Gottfried] [discouraged] Well, I did try …

[Lithaniel] And what?

[Gottfried] And it didn’t work! [whispering] Fourteen times in a row …

[Lithaniel starts banging his head against the wall.]

[Gottfried] Hey, what’s with you? It could happen to anyone.

[Lithaniel] [with resignation] Nothing Gottfried, nothing … [with emphasis] You’re great. But tell me … Do you realize that we are in the Castle of probably the greatest magical power in the world, to which we can only oppose a magician, who can barely cast “Sleep” in the fifteenth attempt?

[Gottfried] [in high voice] Petty magic is always like that! The most complicated spells work more often, but petty magic always gets screwed up! It’s not my fault!

[Yorri] No, Goatee. Eeyore here is right, you are shit. I lost an eye because of you. In my opinion, we should get out of this Castle as soon as possible and come back when we find a decent mage.

[Gottfried] [disheartened] But …

[Lithaniel] [cold voice] The midget is right. We’re getting out of here. [to the dwarf] Take Jack with… We’ll dump him in the well on our way out.

[The elf and the dwarf leave the chamber. Gottfried follows them, his head low. After the adventurers have left the chamber, Wilhelm comes out of the wall.]

[Wilhelm] [in a demonic voice, to himself] That’s what you think… little buggers.

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