scribe’s chamber. Small room with a wardrobe, shelves upon shelves piled up with yellowed and overturned volumes and messily rolled scrolls. The central part of the room is occupied by a sizable desk covered with ancient writing equipment and all kinds of parchments. On a chair by the desk sits a ghost of an elderly man dressed in modest, bourgeois robes holding an ethereal quill in his hand. The bones of the ghost’s human form are scattered under the chair. Suddenly, Wilhelm bursts through the door.]
[Wilhelm] [breathing heavily] Goethe!
[Goethe] Every day and every night a new; Indeed, I tell you, that is what they call me, they do.
[Wilhelm] Look, you old poetaster. I need advice…
[Goethe] Then feed my ears quickly, don’t hesitate be brave; So the lips can swiftly disclose the secrets that you crave.
[Wilhelm] I will take that as “what?” So here’s the deal, focus … In a few hours a vortex will open in the ballroom through which a great host of demons from the Void is to arrive for the party. Drachenfels is gone, and the siege of the castle is likely to begin in the morning. There are two issues with this. One: Drachenfels, being away, would not defend the castle, which is bad. Two: if he found out there was a siege at all, it would be an even greater disaster. What would you advise me?
[At this point a demon enters the room. It has a slightly ape-like appearance. Its long arms extend all the way to the ground and it has powerful claws. Fangs stick out of the mouth like wild boar’s tusks.]
[Wilhelm] Oh, hello Horace. Are you here for the party?
[Horace] Yup.
[Wilhelm] Well, you’re a bit early …
[At this point, Horace burps and an undigested human leg falls out of his mouth.]
[Wilhelm] What’s this?
[Horace] Oh, I met him on the way here …
[Wilhelm] [to Goethe] Horace lives nearby.
[Horace] … a messenger he said he was. So I figured I’d help myself.
[Wilhelm] [with slight irritation in his voice] You know, the idea behind the institution of a messenger is that he might have had some important information for me.
[Horace] Do you mean the fortune note?
[Wilhelm] What now?
[Horace] Well, like in those Cathayan cookies … there is a piece of paper with your fortune in the food.
[Wilhelm] Eh, yeah sure, have you read this… fortune then?
[Horace] Yup.
[Wilhelm] Well? What did it say?
[Horace] Hey, if I tell you, it won’t come true.
[Wilhelm] [coldly] If you don’t tell me, it won’t matter to you anymore.
[Horace] Are you threatening me?
[Wilhelm] Nah, just predicting your future… Call it fortune-telling.
[Horace] [mildly offended] There was something about some Electron Count …
[Wilhelm] Elector, Elector Count. A guy who elects the Emperor and, in addition to that, commands the armies of a certain land. And what did this Elector Count want?
[Horace] Some nonsense about the disappearance of his tax collector …
[Wilhelm] [hitting his head with his open hand] Shit …
[Horace] He will come here with all his troops and the troops of the surrounding lands and will burn everything to the ground.
[Wilhelm sits down in Goethe’s chair, going straight through the ethereal ghost’s body.]
[Goethe] Hey!
[Wilhelm] Shut up, this doesn’t harm you in any way …
[Goethe] But harm has been done the most; If that is what you can do, you must be a ghost!
[Wilhelm] No Goethe, you old fool, you’re the ghost.
[Goethe] Lies, lies straight in the eye; You should know, I never did die.
[Wilhelm] Your rhymes are worse than usual when you lose your cool. No matter, right now I don’t feel like having this discussion about you being dead again, like for the hundredth time.
[Horace] Hey Wilhelm, what are we gonna have have to drink at the party?
[Wilhelm] [absently] Warp-spirit, maybe some warp-rum … [suddenly more aware] What the hell are you taking about?! I’m bloody dying here, damn it!
[Horace] You’re overreacting, worst case scenario they will kill your earthly form and your demonic-self will be sent back to the Void.
[Wilhelm] [surprised] I have never heard so many polysyllable words at once from you. Unfortunately, my little philosopher I must disagree with you, for when the boss sees what happened, he will summon me back from the Void and then brutally torture me for an eon or two.
[Goethe] The birds they say, there was going to be a party today…
[Wilhelm] [with a slightly absent gaze] You know what, those poor rhymes of yours… the fact that people read your stuff at all baffles me…
[Goethe] A thousand demons will gather under this dome; But in the morning they don’t have to go home.
[Wilhelm] Yes, great, let the Inquisition no longer have any doubts …
[Goethe] Set up a grand feast for every demon spawn; Then use them to wage war on humans at dawn.
[Wilhelm] [with eyes wide open] Goethe, you old fart! You are right! An unimaginable force from the Void will come here tonight. We will be able to fight any army in the world. [with sudden rush of force in his voice] We can even crush the entire Empire just for daring to stand up to us! I’m going to use the Emperor’s head as a bowling ball!
[Suddenly, a chaotic vortex opens over Wilhelm’s head.]
[A rumbling voice from the vortex of Chaos] We have been made aware that Castle Drachenfels has become the target of the Inquisition. None of us demons wants to risk the insult of getting dispelled by a human. We’re not attending any party where they greet you with holy water. Since Herr Constant is absent, you are not able to guarantee safety at the party. In the name of all the demons of the Void, we are forced to turn down your invitation under these circumstances. Have a nice eternity, goodbye.
[The Chaos Vortex disappears. The curtain falls. After a while it rises again. Hills. Far in the background, there is a silhouette of a grim castle with talon-like towers. It is quiet. Green grass, clear skies, birds singing. Peace and harmony… when suddenly …]
[Wilhelm] [from inside the castle, with great desperation] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! WHY?! Why the hell does this always happen to me ?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!