Act 2

Scene 2: The Inquisition

astle courtyard. The gargoyles Edwin and Edmund sit above the entrance door to the main building. At some point, the door opens. Wilhelm comes out struggling with a large and heavy wooden sign. He pauses for a moment, takes two breaths, wipes sweat from his brow and then carries on.]

[Edwin] Hey Wilhelm, whatcha heavin’ there?

[Edmund] Yeah fleshy, it’s not snowing yet, no need to shovel.

[Wilhelm pauses again, gives the gargoyles a contemptuous look. He lays the sign on the ground, straightens up, adjusts his lace cuffs, and puts on a dignified expression.]

[William] And why would you give a plaguebearer’s broken horn about it all of a sudden?

[Edwin] Hey, don’t be a bitchy little snotling now, whatcha up to?

[Edmund] Hehe, “bitchy snotling”, good one.

[Wilhelm] [flatly] Yes, a fine joke. You boys just earned yourself a place outside the castle while we have a ball here.

[Edwin and Edmund] ?

[Wilhelm] The boss is away, right?

[Edwin and Edmund] Mhm…

[Wilhelm] So the castle is…?

[Edwin] [after a moment’s thought] Er, ancient!

[Edmund] Big!

[Edwin] Different!

[Edmund] Helpless …

[At this point, there is a deathly silence, interrupted by the sound of a violin coming from behind the stage. All three interlocutors begin to look nervously from side to side.]

[Wilhelm] [slightly disturbed] Eh, no, that’s not what I meant …

[Edwin] Free!

[Wilhelm] Yes, sir! And what do we do in a free castle?

[Edwin] [encouraged by his previous success] Plunder it!

[Wilhelm] … We have a party, you dolt.

[Wilhelm makes an effort to set the sign he was carrying upright so that the gargoyles can read what is written on it. Edmund squints his eyes and reads aloud.]

[Edmund] “Hear ye, hear ye. Demons, daemonettes, vampires…” um, and here it’s kinda blurry and I can’t read…

[Wilhelm] Whatever, never mind, get to the point.

[Edmund] “…Chateau Drachenfels invites you to a Grand Ball. Evening incarnations mandatory. Admission by summoning. No mortals allowed!”

[Edwin] Hey, why “no mortals allowed”?

[Wilhelm] Because the appetizers are already ordered. Anyway, I made an agreement with the Castle regarding cleaning. It would mutate here and there and the Boss will not even notice that anything had happened here.

[Edmund] Where are you going to put up your sign?

[Wilhelm] That’s a stupid question.

[At this point, Wilhelm snaps his fingers, and a rather large vortex immediately appears in the space next to him. The demon carefully throws his sign into it. The vortex closes.]

[Wilhelm] Right in the face of the addressees.

[Right after that, two loud knocks on the gate can be heard. Wilhelm starts walking towards the gate.]

[Wilhelm] [to himself] I swear, if those are more salesmen, I will put up a defensive elemental in front of the door.

[The demon opens the gate. Three people appear before his eyes. One of them is dressed in priestly vestments, glasses on his nose, a book in one hand and a torch in the other, despite the fact that it is daytime. His stern, scrutinizing gaze immediately scanned William from head to toe. The other two are dressed in plate armor with the symbols of Sigmar, and a small battering ram lies at their feet.]

[Albert] Hello, greetings on behalf of the Inquisition, I am Brother Albert.

[Wilhelm] Which one is the first name?

[Albert] Excuse me?

[Wilhelm] First name Brother and last name Albert, or vice versa?

[Albert] [offended] Are you mocking me?

[Wilhelm] [pretending to be terrified] Me? Mocking the Inquisition?! Under the patronage of the main deity of the Empire ?! I would naver dare …

[Albert] Good, I have received news of an emanation of demonic powers at this very address …

[Wilhelm] [surprised] What now?

[Albert] Haven’t you seen anything unnatural happening in this place ?

[Wilhelm] Like what?

[Albert] Strange, horned creatures, demons to be exact, or spontaneous explosions, vortexes, that kind of stuff.

[Wilhelm] [thinking hard] No, I don’t think I remember anything like that … Oh, wait. Could that ‘demon’ you’ve mentioned be a small ball of mucus with a gaping mouth, hands and legs?

[Albert] Yes! That’s a nurgling!

[Wilhelm] Oh, yes, I have seen one … the SS have one as a mascot.

[Albert] Sigmar’s Scouts? Impossible! They have nothing to do with such filth.

[Wilhelm] [in a conspiratorial tone] Ekhm … Come closer Albert Brother …

[Albert] [taking a step forward] ?

[Wilhelm] [whispering] We all know very well about the so-called ‘Enemy within’, right? What better target for such an enemy than the youngest followers, still unaware of the dangers awaiting them. [in a normal tone] Anyway … If I’m lying, let me burn at the stake. Go and see for yourself.

[Albert] I will! But if that’s a lie [waves the torch in front of Wilhelm’s face] you will burn.

[Albert and the knights hastily head towards the SS camp. Wilhelm leans against the gate and watches as after a while flames begin to appear on the horizon consuming the foundations of the future temple of Sigmar.]

[Wilhelm] [to himself] In such moments, I’m really proud to be here at this Castle…

[Suddenly, far away, a small smoking dot appears on the road leading to the castle. The dot is moving fast towards the castle. Nurgling Blup runs quickly through the gate. Fire is scorching it’s back. He knocks Wilhlem over, runs through the castle courtyard and then takes a dive in the well. A hiss of extinguished fire and a sigh of relief can be heard.]

[Wilhelm] [outraged] Blup, you little shit! You were supposed to burn, not bring the Inquisition back to me when half of the Void is attending the ball tonight. You loathsome saboteur!

[The demon, noticing Brother Albert approaching, hastily closes the gate.]

[Wilhelm] [walking around the courtyard] Damn it, damn it, damn it. Dispel Lesser Demon, Dispel Greater Demon … And these are probably just a few of many spells that bastard has under his sleeve … And likely this little stinker will cause a regiment of imperial troops to appear here as well. Damn, damn, damn. Gonna make me look bad in front of all…

[Edwin] [teasing] You blew it again Willy. [looking at his friend] What are you writing there, Edmund?

[Edmund] [with obvious satisfaction in his voice] I’m writing to the boss to come back, if he doesn’t want to miss the siege of his own castle.

[Edwin] Hehe, I wonder who’s gonna get it for something like that, eh Wilhelm?

[Wilhelm straightens up, adjusts his lace cuffs, and puts on a dispassionate expression. Only in his eyes there is obvious demonic fury. In the meantime, battering rams start hitting the gate.]

[Wilhelm] [coldly] Edmund. Put the quill down and give me the parchment.

[Edmund] [continuing to write] Nah-ah.

[Wilhelm] I’m warning you, Edmund…

[Edwin] And what are you going to do about it, lackey?

[Wilhelm] [dispassionately] Okay … I warned you … Now there will be blood.

[The demon suddenly mumbles a magic formula and teleports behind the backs of both gargoyles. Then, faster than they can react, he shreds their wings to pieces with his claws. The gargoyles hallow in great pain. Their screams intensify as Wilhelm reaches with his right hand and plucks Edwin’s eyes out. Then with his left hand he does the same to Edmund. The shouts turn into a crescendo when the demon tears the gargoyles’ ears off. Then, he rips the tongues out of their screaming mouths. Wilhelm then picks up the unfinished letter and tears it into pieces and then teleports back to the courtyard.]

[Wilhelm] I asked nicely. Now you are like those Cathayan monkeys, who will see no evil, hear no evil, but most importantly, speak no evil.

[Albert] [from behind the gate] Er … Did you hear those insane screams?

[Knights] Yup.

[Albert] You know what? Let’s come back later with reinforcements.

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Well that’s just swell … Now I have to repel the siege, prevent the party to be ruined, and clean everything up so Constant won’t find out about anything when he comes back. Eh [with resignation in his voice], life’s a bitch and not even mine.

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