Act 1

Scene 6: Who sat on my throne?

hrone room. Opposite to the door there is a stained glass parody of a dog-faced Chaos deity. Next to the stained glass, a mirror hangs on the wall. On the left from the entrance, by the wall, there are many different shrines dedicated to the forces of evil. On the right stands a black throne and behind it there are tables with strange objects on them: a clock with one hand moving backwards, an hourglass in which sand flows upwards, etc. The throne, which makes a monumental impression, is sheltered on the sides with black curtains decorated with scenes from the life of the Great Enchanter sewn with red thread. From behind a closed door, in the corridor, a conversation is heard.]

[Snori] [to the elf] Okay, narrow hips, open it.

[Lorindil] What should I open?

[Snori] Well, not your mouth, eh? The damn lock. See? I pull the handle and the door won’t open, meaning the door is…?

[Wolfgang] Broken.


[After a short while.]

[Lorindil] Look Snori, just because I’m an elf, doesn’t mean I can perform any precise manual action I wish. Especially, since I am not a thief.

[Snori] [under his breath] You all are, you forest creeps.

[Lorindil] But I do have a keen sense of hearing, I heard that!

[Snori] So? You want a goddamn potato medal?

[Wolfgang] So how will we fix the door?

[Snori] Yeah, I’ll fix them alright…

[Footsteps are heard, then they become louder and quicker as if someone is speeding up.]

[Snori] Raaaagh! The axe wants blood !!! … splinters !!!

[A dull thump is heard, there is silence.]

[Snori] [in a sore voice] Shit …

[Wolfgang] Is the door still broken?

[Snori] Yes… And it’s your fault!

[Wolfgang] [embarrassed] I’m sorry…

[Snori] Don’t apologize, just fix what you broke!

[Lorindil] I don’t think Wolfgang has the skills…

[Footsteps can be heard, then the doorknob moves, then the sound of bent metal is heard, then there is a crunch. The door opens, and Wolfgang enters the room with a smile on his face.]

[Wolfgang] I fixed it!


[Snori] Damn…

[All heroes enter the room. Everyone starts looking around. Lorindil approaches the shrines with interest, Wolfgang, with eyes longing for reason, begins to look into the mirror in which images begin to materialize like visions in a crystal ball. They include images of his childhood village. Snori stands in front of the throne and starts scratching his neck.]

[Wolfgang] [with an absent stare] Have you seen the beautiful views?

[Snori sits down on the throne.]

[Lorindil] Hm, this place will have to be cleared of evil… preferably with fire… Snori, just don’t think of it… [notices where Snori is]

[Snori] [sitting on the throne] Whatcha staring at?

[At this moment tentacles suddenly emerge from the throne and tighten around Snori’s wrists and neck. They begin to strangle the dwarf.]

[Lorindil] Wolfgang! Come and help that idiot!

[Wolfgang] [with absent gaze] Beautiful sites…

[Lorindil] [desperately] Wolfgang !!!

[Wolfgang shakes off his trance and rushes towards the throne together with the elf. He draws his sword. There is terror in the eyes of the elf and the dwarf. Wolfgang deals three frantic blows and frees the dwarf. Snori checks that all his limbs and his head are still attached to his body. Then, he approaches the human.]

[Snori] You goddamn brainless orangutan! You could have cut my head off with that butter knife!!!

[In the meantime, a demon materializes in front of the mirror. It is slightly larger than a human, has long, straight horns, fiery eyes, claws and is wielding a huge one-handed sword drenched in gore.]

[Bloodletter] Wkajdsakshjdaksj ’aksjdkas’ ajsajd ’alkjsk?

[Lorindil] What did he say?

[Snori] I don’t know, but probably something like, “Who looked in my mirror?” Ruuuuun!!!

[The heroes run out of the room and slam the door behind them. Moments later, footsteps are heard in the corridor. The door opens. “O, Fortuna” starts playing in the background. Enters Constant Drachenfels. He looks at the door, moves it back and forth for a moment.]

[Constant Drachenfels] Hm, who broke my door?

[The Enchanter, ignoring the confused demon, approaches the throne.]

[Constant Drachenfels] Who sat on my throne?

[Finally, he looks at the mirror and the demon.]

[Constant Drachenfels] Who looked in my mirror ?!

[Bloodletter] [as usual, in demonic speech] My mirror!

[Constant Drachenfels] Wilhelm!!!

[Wilhelm comes out of the wall, stands next to Constant and bows slightly.]

[Wilhelm] Yes, Lord?

[Constant Drachenfels] Who broke my door, sat on my throne and looked in my mirror?

[Bloodletter] My mirror !!!

[Wilhelm walks over to the demon.]

[Wilhelm] [whispering] Dude, you’re already screwed anyways. So why dig deeper?

[Bloodletter] What?! I will slaughter you all like dogs! Die!

[Constant Drachenfels points at the demon with his finger, the demon is struck by a beam of energy flowing from the sorcerer’s hand and evaporates.]

[Constant Drachenfels] Well?

[Wilhelm] Hm? Ah, the mess… So that’s probably … [pointing at the ashen remains of the demon] He’s doing!

[Constant Drachenfels] Do you want to annoy me?

[Wilhelm] I wouldn’t dare.

[Constant Drachenfels] Then fetch the broom.

[Wilhelm] Well, maybe we could summon another one like that one? He would clean up what his friend left.

[Wilhelm, with demonic grace, avoids another beam of energy, then runs out in search of the broom. Constant sits on his throne. He sits thoughtfully for a moment. He snaps his fingers, the manuscript of this play appears in his hand. He reads a piece, then looks anxiously at the door with wide eyes.]

[Constant Drachenfels] Hey… that door was locked with a spell!

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