astle Chamber of Rituals. A large room. In its centre, on the floor, a huge pentagram decorated with many signs and symbols of Chaos and demons. In the corner of the room far from the entrance there is a mirror, the surface of which appears darkened. Suddenly, “O Fortuna” plays and Constant Drachenfels enters the room. He walks around the room. It seems that he is looking for something.]
[Constant Drachenfels] [to himself] Where did I put it… [stands still for a moment, wonders] Wilhelm!
[Wilhelm emerges from the floor in an apron with traces of blood and flour on it.]
[Wilhelm] Lord?
[Constant Drachenfels] Wilhelm, don’t you know… [at this point his eyes fall on Wilhelm’s apron] What are you doing?
[Wilhelm] [embarrassed] Er, that oh… breakfast.
[Constant Drachenfels] You haven’t replaced Maurice yet?
[Wilhelm] No, no, there is a new cook already. I’m just, um, helping, because the new guy does not get what’s what in the new workplace.
[Constant Drachenfels] Even better so, I got hungry.
[Wilhelm] [with clear concern in his voice] Well yes, but Lord…
[Constant Drachenfels] I’ll be down to the dining room in fifteen minutes.
[Wilhelm] [with resignation in his voice] Yes, Lord … I’ll go prepare …
[Constant Drachenfels] Stay. I need you, the cook can handle it.
[Wilhelm] Eh, what can I do for you?
[Constant Drachenfels] Two things. First of all, where on all the cursed powers of the Void is my robe and mug?
[Wilhelm] [slightly shivering, with a fake smile on his face] Em, the one with the D monogram?
[Constant Drachenfels] Yes, that one.
[Wilhelm] I have no idea! … but I’ll go look!
[Constant Drachenfels] Later. Now for the second thing. Since we’re here, we need to work a bit, by which I mean you need to work a bit.
[Drachenfels snaps his fingers. A fog appears in the middle of the room. A form of a huge, horned demon holding two giant cleavers in his hands emerges from the fog.]
[Demon] [in demonic speech] Tremble, you who summoned me …
[Constant Drachenfels] [ignoring the demon’s speech] Standard procedure Wilhelm, assign him a room somewhere upstairs … I’m gonna look for my mug.
[Wilhelm] [with slight irritation] Yes, Lord.
[Drachenfels leaves the chamber.]
[Demon] [surprised] Hey, what’s all this?! And what about the binding, soul stealing…
[Wilhelm] [furiously] Shut your stupid face!
[Demon] …
[Wilhelm] I have more important problems now. Don’t have time to be listening to you moan!
[Demon] But…
[Wilhelm] Shut it, I say! By all the Dark Gods, what a sissy… Sits for eons on his ass in the Warp and as soon as he is locked for all eternity in a castle of an all-powerful, mad, sadistic enchanter, he whines like a kicked in the arse nurgling. Okay, let’s get it over with …
[Wilhelm takes out a peacock feather and parchment and seems to search for something in his pockets.]
[Demon] [in a hesitant voice] Can I ask for something…
[Wilhelm] Shut up, can’t you see that I’ve misplaced my ink? Sit and be silent until I ask you anything.
[The demon sits down with resignation. Wilhelm stops looking after a while and stabs the peacock feather into the demon’s finger, drawing some of his blood.]
[Demon] Ouch.
[Wilhelm] Don’t be ridiculous… Anyway, to the point, cause mortals are dying down there… Name?
[Demon] Er…
[Wilhelm] [with the eyes of Garfield, the cat] Well, shit’s on you, from now on your name is “Er”. Now, you will be summoned by any underdeveloped demonologist if he hesitates with the summon and tries to remember the name of the demon he really wanted to summon… What kind of victims do you specialize in?
[Demon] Well, actually …
[Wilhelm] [taking notes] …actually, I’m a victim myself… Noted. Do you prefer a chamber to the East, or do you have unusual preferences?
[Demon] Is there one with a lake view?
[Wilhelm] [blinking his eyes in surprise] Lake view?
[Demon] Yes, lake view.
[Wilhelm] You know what, I feel sorry for you, you’ll get a view of the well. NOW, do you have any questions?
[Demon] And when do I get a soul for my services?
[Wilhelm] [laughing out loud] You still don’t get it, do you? Imagine… you are a piece of furniture. As a piece of furniture, you have the right to be dusted once in a while, most likely when I feel like it. Besides that, like every piece of furniture in this Castle, you have the right to attack careless wanderers who will venture into your chamber.
[Demon] But what’s in it for me?
[Wilhelm] You won’t get hit in the face… Moreover, Herr Drachenfels won’t deal with you like he did with your predecessor.
[Demon] Meaning?
[Wilhelm] Meaning, he will not hit you in the face, and then he will not loop the time around you so that you will last for eternity in that one and same moment, that is, when you are being hit in the face.
[Demon] But…
[Wilhelm] [as if he suddenly remembered something] Shit! End of talk, I have breakfast issues to solve!
[Wilhelm takes some keys out of his pocket and hands them to the demon.]
[Wilhelm] Here are the keys to your chamber, bathroom is at the end of the corridor, don’t go out, don’t snore, don’t invite friends.
[Wilhelm quickly disappears into the floor. The demon Er stands for a while with keys in his hand, then, slouching a bit, slowly exits the room.]