Act 1

Scene 10: In the morning

astle kitchen. Huge tables, scattered lie all kinds of cleavers, knives, forks, pots and pans. In the centre of the room there is a large wood-burning fireplace covered with a metal plate. Large, blackened metal hooks are hammered to the walls. Wilhelm is seated at one of the tables. In addition to his traditional outfit, he also wears a black robe with a D monogram on it and soft slippers. The demon sips coffee (straight from Arabia) from a mug and browses the “Imperial Courier”. At one point, the doors to the room burst open and our three heroes fumble inside. Wilhelm studies them with a sleepy gaze from over the newspaper. The adventurers look quite preoccupied. They slam the door behind them. After a while, something hits the door with huge force from the outside, then it roars furiously, scratches at the door… After a while, it seems to be leaving. From behind the door one can hear the sounds of hooves receding.]

[Snori] [to Wilhelm] Are you guys insane?! What the hell are you keeping in this castle?!

[Wilhelm puts down the newspaper, adjusts himself in the chair, frowns a bit and starts counting using his fingers.]

[Wilhelm] Hmmmm, lesser demons, regular demons, greater demons [yawn], beastmen, manticores, elementals, ghouls, zombies, all kinds of other undead … aaaand … nah, no more spoilers… [after a while] Why you ask?

[Snori] [irritated] By Grungni, I think I’ll knock your stupid head off after all.

[Wilhelm] [yawning] It’s too early to play.

[The demon goes back to reading the newspaper. The elf, the dwarf, and the human all grab a seat at the same table. At one point, Wilhelm shouts out.]

[Wilhelm] Hey! Have you heard the news?! Magnus the Pious is dead!

[Lorindil] For several hundred years, if I am not mistaken basing on my memory and history of mankind …

[Wilhelm] Seriously? [drops the newspaper with disappointment in his gaze] There is never any fresh news here… But for the record, I will miss Magnus, he was a funny one. Well, no matter then. Someday we’ll have to revive him and ask how he’s doing in the kingdom of the dead. [chuckling] He must have had some good hazing when he arrived… So, how are you guys? How is castle exploration going?

[Snori] Do you guys have any gold here at all ?!

[Wilhelm] Apart from the fact that there is no gold in the Gray Mountains … yes, of course we do.

[Snori leaps onto the table and, with madness in his eyes, holds the axe over Wilhelm’s head.]

[Snori] Tell me where the vault is now or I’ll bash your head in!

[Wilhelm also stands up with demonic speed, licks his finger, then wipes the rune off the dwarf’s axe with it.]

[Wilhelm] Go ahead.

[Snori strikes with all his might, but the axe comes to a sudden stop when it reaches the demon’s body and does no harm to him. The dwarf looks at Wilhelm in disbelief, then glares at the axe and throws it to the floor. He folds his hands and sits down with an offended expression.]

[Wilhelm] The famous dwarven reflexes.

[Lorindil] Since we’re already pass the thoughtless show of aggression, maybe you would like to help us voluntarily?

[Wilhelm] [immediately] Sure!

[Lorindil] But seriously.

[Wilhelm] [in an excited voice, a random theme from a Disney movie is heard in the background] Seriously. I like you guys, for real. You know, living here in this empty, dark castle, surrounded by beasts… [Wilhelm sheds a demonic tear] I feel so lonely… In fact, you are my only buddies.

[Wolfgang] How sad.

[Snori] I’m gonna be sick.

[Lorindil] [with resignation in his voice] Eh, this is useless.

[Wilhelm] No! I really want to help. [Produces a deep black stone, which seems to absorb light, out of his pocket] Look, you wanted warpstone. Here it is! It’s yours.

[Wilhelm hands the stone to  the elf. Lorindil looks at him suspiciously, but cannot refuse the gift. The elf takes the stone in his hand and looks at it greedily.]

[Wilhelm] You see? Uncle Wilhelm’s not that bad, eh? Look, you seem exhausted. Go to the dining room and I will prepare breakfast for you.

[Snori] Ha! I would have to be braindead.

[Wilhelm] You mean, you’re not hungry?

[Snori] [suppressing an empty stomach rumbling] No!

[Wolfgang] Oh come on, can’t you see that he’s trying?

[The giant man grabs the elf and the dwarf by the arms and leads them out of the room. Wilhelm waits for the door to close behind them, then takes off his robe, stretches, and claps his hands. A ghoul appears wearing a cook’s headdress and wielding a ladle. He has a Bretonnian moustache.]

[Wilhelm] Good morning, Pierre.

[Pierre] [with a strong Bretonnian accent] Good myrning, boss.

[Wilhelm] Pierre, please prepare a feast for three.

[Pierre] Yes, boss. Le standard? A poisoned feast with all side courses?

[Wilhelm] No, not this time. We can’t have do overs. I have another idea this time.

[Pierre smiles, claps his hands together. Five zombies in aprons appear and immediately begin to bustle around the kitchen. Wilhelm rubs his hands together and watches over the work.]

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