Interlude II

The Legend of Sigmar

astle library. Everything looks like in the previous Interlude. Wilhelm sits in his armchair and, with glasses over his eyes, flips through a thick book, chuckling at times slightly. At one point, he notices the audience. He puts the book back on the table, takes his glasses in his fingers and, gesturing with them, turns towards the audience.]

[Wilhelm] Welcome to the next Interlude. Learning from the experiences of the last scene of act two, I have made some improvements to the Castle…

[Wilhelm breaks eye contact with the audience and looks somewhere to the side. After a few seconds, a daemonette appears there. She brings Wilhelm a cup of cocoa and then gracefully leaves.]

[Wilhelm] [towards the departing daemonette] Thanks honey … [to the audience again] Um, yeah, no, these are not the improvements I meant… Our castle devil residing on the roof has been given a responsible task of holding a lightning rod … Yup, a lightning rod. Due to this improvement, I can now freely say: [with emphasis] “Sigmar”…

[There is a lightning strike outside the Castle.]

[Wilhelm] And as you can see, I am safe from harm. This is important because today’s Interlude is like a history class, actually. More specifically, it is aimed to fix what some joker screwed up [picks up the book from the table] by writing this “History of the Empire”. Today, we will discuss the topic of a barbarian leader named Sigmar.

[Lightning strike outside.]

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Yeah go ahead, shoot yer ass off…

[The curtain falls. After some time, it rises again, showing a scenery of a forest and a little camp in it. Primitive tents, some spears here and there, a fire… So far, no residents are visible.]

[Wilhelm] [from behind the scene] Once upon a time… but not that far away from here … There was a peaceful tribe of cultural and peaceful … goblins.

[Several goblins appear on the stage and sit down by the fire. Then they start cooking forest rabbits over the fire. A large orc emerges from the largest of the tents. His muscular body is covered with tattoos and there is plenty of bone jewelry stuck in his ears and nose.]

[Wilhelm] Due to the fact that not all readers are probably familiar with the language of greenskins, I’ve arranged for a reliable translation of their dialogs…

[Garrik] [to the other goblin, drooling slightly] Hraphagah hryg, ark!

(I say, Urgok, a fine roast. An equally fine feast awaits us after we are done cooking, right ol’ chap?)

[Urgok] [scratching and patting his belly] Hg!

(Indeed, Garrik, you are correct. This forest creature will do for a perfect dish for body and soul.)

[Ori] [picking his nose] Hryphygy, hryphygym hryp.

(I just hope that no primitive beast, especially a human, will attack us and disturb this feast.)

[Wilhelm] Unfortunately, the poor little stinker did not realize how prophetic his words would turn out to be, because nearby…

[Two heads emerge from the bushes on the right side of the stage, one – human, the other – of a dwarf.]

[Kurgan] [whispering] Look manling, greenskins!

[Sigmar] [loudly] Right! Let’s slaughter them!

[Kurgan] [even more quietly] Quiet or they’ll hear us and the ambush will fail.

[Wilhelm] Well, as you can see, Sigmar [lightning strike] was not the brightest tool in the shed, but what can you expect from a man who has been grazing pigs all his life in the village of Dragon’s Crotch or other. However, even that simple task was slightly out of his league… except, of course, when it was time to “slaughter” the pigs. [a lot of lightning strikes outside] Yeah, truth hurts…

[The dwarf and the human sit still in the bushes. After a while, Sigmar begins to fidget.]

[Sigmar] Are they surprised already? Caaaan weeeee attaaaack?

[Kurgan] Um, okay…

[Sigmar] [happily] Hooray!

[Kurgan] But you know what? My back stings a bit. Rheumatism or something… You know how it’s like to be over three hundred years old. Look, take my hammer and attack them yourself, and I will cover your back from here so that nothing from these bushes can ambush you.

[Sigmar] [nodding] Yeah, that makes sense.

[Wilhelm] And this is how the dwarven king Kurgan gifted to Sigmar [lightning strike] the glorious Ghal Maraz aka Foreskin-Slicer… or Skull-Splitter, whatever.

[The dwarf hands Sigmar the hammer, but it immediately breaks out of the human hands and returns to the owner’s hands.]

[Kurgan] Damn, damn, damn. Stupid Helga. She made me carve a stupid rune of returning on it, in case I lost it. I wanted a greater death rune or something, but she nagged and nagged. “Remember when you’ve lost those ancient crystals of power?! I want a rune of returning on this hammer so you don’t lose it or no one steals it from you.” she said. And now here we are. But hold on…

[The dwarf puts the hammer on the ground and steps on it with his boot.]

[Kurgan] [to the hammer] Stay! Bad Ghal Maraz. Stay and let the stupid human wield you.

[Kurgan rises his foot, the hammer stays in place.]

[Kurgan] Well, now you can take it and go murder that gang of goblins for the glory of the village of Dragon’s Crotch and all dozen of its inhabitants. Go forth then, brave warrior, and may the two-headed frog save you from harm!

[Sigmar] The two-headed frog?

[Kurgan] Well, every great hero needs a symbol, right?

[Sigmar] But I don’t like frogs.

[Kurgan] Hm … Okay, scratch the frog then… Let’s pick something from inanimate nature … Oh, I know – a comet! A twin-tailed comet! So go forth and let the twin-tailed comet guide you!

[Sigmar] What’s a comet?

[Kurgan] [hitting his forehead] Never mind! Go!

[Wilhelm] As shorty said, so did the peasant go. [to the audience] You are now witnessing the birth of a legend. Behold Sigmar [lightning strike] will challenge the biggest orc within three hundred yards, the dreaded Vagraz.

[Sigmar] Raaaaagh! Blood for the Blood God !!!

[Wilhelm] [eyes widened] Oh shit! So that’s where it came from! What do you know…

[The human rushes into the goblin encampment. The goblins flee in panic to the forest before the human even finishes his battle cry. The orc, on the other hand, freezes in surprise.]

[Vargraz] [confused, to Sigmar] Hirgh hragh?

(May I help you?)

[Sigmar] Raaaaagh !!!

[Sigmar hits the orc in the temple with his hammer, killing the greenskin on the spot. However, not stopping there, the human begins to massacre the corpse. Blood is splashing around everywhere. When there is nothing left to crush, the dwarf emerges from the bushes.]

[Kurgan] [proudly] We showed them, that’s for sure! A great future lies ahead of you, my boy.

[Wilhelm] Indeed … The future of a clown on duty in the pantheon of deities …

[Lightning strike.]

[Sigmar] [presenting the bloodied weapon to the dwarf] Here’s your hammer back.

[Kurgan] Nah, keep it… I have a few more in the shed behind the latrine. Besides, you got it all sticky.

[Sigmar] [gladly] Thanks! So I’m going back to the village, bye.

[Kurgan] I’m going home as well, take care.

[Wilhelm] And so they went, each to their own shithole.

[The curtain falls, and after it is raised again, we are back in the castle library.]

[Wilhelm] The End! This was the true story of Sigmar Heldenhammer. [lightning strike]

[After a few moments, the door to the library opens with a bang and a slightly charred devil with a lightning rod in his hand bursts through it. The devil looks like… we, a devil – horns, hooves, tail, red eyes, the works. He looks angrily at the surprised Wilhelm and sticks the lightning rod into the demon’s hand.]

[Devil] Sigmar!

[Wilhelm is struck by a lightning, which struck through the open window. The demon starts smoking slightly.]

[Wilhelm] [in a choked voice] Ouch …

[Devil] Sigmar! [lightning strike] Sigmar! [lightning strike] Sigmar! [lightning strike] Sigmar! [lightning strike] Sigmar! [lightning strike]

[Wilhelm] [barely audibly] Yh…

[Devil] Are you having fun?! Nice, eh?! Great experience, huh?! Idiot!!!

[The devil rushes out slamming the door behind him.]

[Wilhelm] Shit, damn existence… Good night everyone.

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