Act 3

Scene 10: The Troll Slayer’s grim secret

astle Armory. A room not as spacious as one would expect. Nevertheless, all kinds of weapons can be found on the walls and stands here: halberds, glaives, maces, swords, morning stars… even slingshots. At an exposed place, on the center of a wall, hangs a giant, two-handed, double-edged, rune-covered, ancient, blessed, and simply the best dwarven axe. In two corners of the chamber there stand plate suits of armor, one in each corner. The door to the armory is made of reinforced wood and looks very solid. At one point, there is an explosion outside and the door crashes inside. The party of the adventurers, Jack not present obviously, enters.]

[Lithaniel] [looking around the chamber] Well, at least this room is where it should be. [to Gottfried] By the way, nice explosion, Gottfried.

[Gottfried] [pleased] Thank you.

[Yorri rubs his eye, opens his mouth wide, and holds a trembling finger in front of him, pointing at the axe.]

[Lithaniel] [noticing the axe] Hey, nice …

[Yorri] [rushing towards the weapon] Mine! Don’t touch it! It’s mine!!!

[Gottfried] Yorri, don’t you think that, considering the amount of runes that cover it, I should first investigate whether it is cursed in one way or another?

[Yorri takes the axe off the wall and hugs it.]

[Yorri] Mine! [in Gollum’s voice] My … preeeecioooous …

[Lithaniel] [irritated] Oh, please, not that old crap. [to Gottfried] Let him have it, his risk not ours.

[Gottfried] I don’t know, this axe can have a bad effect on all of us if it’s an artifact of chaos.

[Yorri] [ironically] Ha! “An artifact of chaos”, that’s rich. You just want to put your greedy hands on it, manling…

[Gottfried] [with emphasis] “My” … greedy hands?

[Yorri] Every self-respecting dwarf …

[Lithaniel] [interfering] Every self-respecting dwarf who was banished from his village for some terrible crime, forced to seek death as a troll slayer …

[Yorri] [offended] Shut up! Every dwarf can see that these are dwarven runes, and the axe itself is a state of the art masterpiece of the finest dwarven blacksmiths. It cannot therefore be an artifact of chaos. Not only is it not a chaos artifact, but it has been placed here for a reason. It’s here so I can wield it and, using its might, destroy [with emphasis] the Eternal Evil – Constant Drachenfels!

[Lithaniel] [rolling his eyes] Oh, fuck me… We’ve got a dwarven messiah here! Careful, bushes will start catching fire near you!

[Yorri] Laugh all you want long-ear, but you’ll see. One day you will be telling your little long-eared brats how you cowered in fear alongside Yorri, the Slayer of Constant Drachenfels!

[Lithaniel] [dismissively] Yeah, right … Maybe try out your new axe on [pointing to suits of armor, which, with eyes suddenly glowing, start arming themselves with halberds] these two lads. It may turn out, unsurprisingly, that it’s a magic axe of bluntness.

[Gottfried] No, you don’t need to, I’ll dispel the magic that made them come alive in a moment.

[Yorri] [with his chest out] Ha! Leave them to me, manling! I’ll show that damn long-ear bastard… Besides, [running his thumb over the blade of the axe, cutting himself slightly] the axe craves…

[The dwarf falls silent as he crashes to the floor, dead. The human and the elf stand there stunned for a moment. Gottfried shakes off quickly, and mumbles a magic formula. The now attacking suits of armor crumble into motionless pieces. The adventurers run up to Yorri. Lithaniel checks the dwarf’s pulse.]

[Lithaniel] [surprised, to Gottfried] Hey, he’s really dead!

[Gottfried carefully picks up the axe and examines it intently.]

[Gottfried] No wonder …


[Gottfried] [pointing to a magic symbol on the axe] This is a rune of death against dwarfs.

[Lithaniel bursts out laughing hysterically.]

[Lithaniel] Er … sorry, but I couldn’t help myself.

[Gottfried] [hanging the axe back on the wall] Nothing funny here, my bloody comrade. There are only two of us left.

[Lithaniel] [coldly] Personally, I think he was just causing problems …

[Gottfried] …

[Lithaniel] My only regret is that I won’t get to know what terrible crime he committed which made him a troll slayer.

[At this point, Wilhelm walks out of the wall, parade-style.]

[Wilhelm] Curiosity killed the… well no one this time, my friend.

[Lithaniel] Beat it, you demonic asshole. Gottfried, send him back to the astral plain.

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Yeah, if only you could. [to Gottfried, with theatrical fear] No! Wait! Don’t use your evil magic on me.

[Gottfried] Why?

[Wilhelm] [smiling under his breath] If you spare me … I’ll show you how Yorri became a troll slayer!

[Gottfried] No, I’d rather…

[Lithaniel] Wait, I’m really curious. Show us!

[Gottfried] But …

[Lithaniel] It’s okay, Gottie, if we don’t like the show [with threat in his voice, to the demon] we’ll banish him afterwards.

[Wilhelm] Exactly! What a sly plan!

[Gottfried] You are reckless, Lithaniel.

[Lithaniel] Don’t whine … [to Wilhelm] Do your thing.

[Wilhelm snaps his fingers. The scene turns one hundred and eighty degrees. The scenery now shows one of the streets of a town in a dwarven fortress. The audience can see the interiors of two buildings. One of them is a school with desks and little dwarves sitting behind them. There is also a blackboard and an empty teacher’s seat. The second of the visible buildings is a barber’s shop, which, considering the dwarven customs, does not complain about a crowd of customers. From the left, a dwarf kid enters the stage. He has a wooden axe on his back and a slingshot in his pocket. The kid looks towards the school, he looks at the sun and then with tears in his eyes again at the school.]

[Little Yorri] [in a tearful voice] Oh no! I’m late for school! What shame, what a disgrace! My parents will never speak to me again … I have stained the honor of my family! The memory of my always punctual ancestors, doomed to eternal damnation. Woe is me! [after a moment, shrugging his shoulders] Well, there’s only one thing left for me to do …

[Little Gotrek] [from the classroom window] Hey, Yorri! Come on, lessons haven’t started yet!

[Little Yorri] [with exaggeration] Ah, Gotrek. Good old Gotrek. Always a friend. Even in the moment of my disgrace. [to Gotrek] It’s too late for me, my friend! I am disgraced. I’ll never forget you! [to himself] There are times when a dwarf has to do what a dwarf has to do.

[Little Yorri directs his steps to the barber’s shop. He enters, greets the barber politely and sits down on the chair. The old barber rubs his eyes in amazement.]

[The Barber] A customer! By the gods! A real client! [to Yorri] Welcome, sir! What can I do for you this fine day?

[Little Yorri] I would like a head wash, then we do an orange crest!

[The Barber] If I may… purple is the new orange this season, especially in the north.

[Little Yorri] No, no… I have committed a crime which grim details I can never disclose to anyone. An orange crest on my head will be a symbol of that… [after a pause] That’s what Troll Slayers do!

[The scene at this point turns one hundred and eighty degrees again. The armory reappears before the eyes of the audience. Lithaniel rolls on the floor in a sudden burst of laughter, and Gottfried tries to keep the elf from harming himself in these convulsions.]

[Gottfried] [to Wilhelm reproachfully] You bastard! You wanted to kill him with laughter!

[Wilhelm] I wouldn’t… Well, it’s time for me, enjoy your plunder.

[The demon exits happily, and Lithaniel continues his spasms of laughter.]

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