Act 2

Scene 1: We’re with the SS!

astle corridor, at the end of which there is a heavy entrance door to the building. There is a thick, red, heavily dusty carpet on the floor. Near one of the walls there is a row of equally dusty oak chairs, above which hangs a gallery of old and unfortunately, also covered with dust, paintings. There are also quite a few doors leading to other parts of the castle. At some point, one of them opens and Wilhelm enters with a broom in one hand and a sweeper in the other hand. The servant looks carefully around, then hits his head with his open hand and curses under his breath.]

[Wilhelm] Oh, goddamn it! This will take me an eon…

[Suddenly the demon seems to notice the audience and turn to face them.]

[Wilhelm] [hiding the broom behind his back] Please excuse me, I didn’t notice you. Hello! Welcome to the second act! As you probably remember, after the unfortunate incident involving forces beyond our control, we currently have a shortage of adventurers in the castle. I myself have my own problems. [taking a conspiratorial tone] I have reasons to believe that someone is treacherously spreading dust around the Castle. Just look at this corridor. It was cleaned not so long ago, during the times of Magnus the Pious… And what do we see? Filth…

[At this point, the Blup the Nurgling enters through one of the doors and immediately approaches the next. As he is about to grab the door handle, he suddenly stops and sneezes so loudly that two paintings fall off the wall. A fairly large cloud of dust emerges from Blup’s mouth after this. With a satisfied look on his face, the nurgling opens the door and exits the corridor. Seeing this, Wilhelm runs after him.]

[Wilhelm] You little shit, if I get my hands on you…

[At this point, a knocking is heard at the front door. Wilhelm freezes in mid-step, adjusts his livery and, putting the broom against the wall, walks with his head proudly raised towards the door, then opens it with difficulty. There is a pair of children there, a boy and a girl, dressed in tunics with twin-tailed comets painted on their fronts. The children have wooden hammers strapped to their belts and they are carrying sacks.]

[Wilhelm] [with a dignified manner in his voice] What?

[Guenther] My name is Guenther and this is Klara [with joy in his voice] we are with the SS!

[Wilhelm] What now… what are you with?!

[Klara] With the SS! Sigmar’s Scouts, third troop!

[Wilhelm] Er… scouts?

[Guenther and Klara] Yes!

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Damn… Not only does this dust give me pneumoconiosis. Now I’m seeing things. I need to change my profession… Maybe I’ll become a bloodletter or something…

[Guenther] In order to support the cult…

[Wilhelm] [interjecting] Wait, wait… Let me guess… You sell cookies and you will use the money you collect to build a temple of Sigmar in the neighborhood, right?

[Guenther and Klara] Yes!

[Wilhelm] If only for the sake of my mental health, you could have said “no”.

[Guenther] Sigmar’s Scout never lies! So how about it? You gonna buy some cookies?

[Wilhelm] Of course …

[Guenther and Klara] Great!

[Wilhelm] …but on the condition that they are made of the guts of the Great Theogonist, mixed with the Emperor’s blood and served in the skull of a Shallyian priestess.

[Guenther and Klara]

[William] [struggling to close the door] I thought so… And now you brats get out of my yard.

[Guenther] [putting his foot between the door and the wall] Wait…

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Hmm, I have to install a blade there… this happens way too often.

[Klara] Don’t you realize how important it is to support the cult of the Patron Deity of the Empire?

[Guenther] After all, he used to kill goblins so that you and me had a chance at a better life.

[Klara] [innocently] Besides, we wouldn’t want to burn at the stake like some heretic, would we now?

[Wilhelm] [with eyes full of hatred] Yeah, about being burned… [suddenly, as if he remembered something, sticking a “friendly” smile to his face] Um, sure! I’ll buy some cookies! I’d love to support the cult of Sigmar!

[Guenther] Really?

[Wilhelm] [handing Guenther some coins] Yup, here’s the money.

[Klara] [handing Wilhelm a bag of cookies] Great! Here are the cookies…

[Wilhelm] I also have a gift for you on this occasion.

[Guenther and Klara] ?

[Wilhelm] Do you have a mascot for your troop, already?

[Guenther] Eh, we don’t. Should we have one?

[Klara] Yes! A mascot, great idea!

[Wilhelm] Exactly… Just a minute, uncle Wilhelm is about to get you a great mascot. [shouting behind himself in demonic speech] Blup! Blup, you nasty little worm, get over here!

[Blup comes running, stops and watches the children curiously.]

[Guenther] What’s that?

[Klara] [happily] Froggy!

[Wilhelm] Exactly… a frog.

[Guenther] [suspiciously] Eh, does it do anything?

[Wilhelm] Sure, it can do lots of tricks!

[Guenther] For example?

[Wilhelm] [to himself] Spread the plague, you little bastard.

[Wilhelm kicks Blup with all his might. The nurgling is sent flying into the air, bounces off one wall, then the opposite, then lands in the same place where he was standing. Afterwards, he is still watching the children intently, unmoved.]

[Wilhelm] Cool, huh? Great… Here, take him and scram. I don’t have time to waste.

[Wilhelm picks Blup up and hands him over to Klara. She is overjoyed.]

[Guenther] May our lord Sigmar bless you…

[Wilhelm slams the door.]

[Wilhelm] [to himself] May lord Nurgle bless you, with the help of that little bastard, with all the plagues of the world. Okay, I got rid of the pests… what was I doing? Oh, yes [grabbing the broom with resignation] Spending eternity doing housework…

[At this point, “O Fortuna” starts playing in the background and Constant Drachenfels enters the corridor.]

[Wilhelm] [slightly bowing] Good morning, Herr Drachenfels.

[Konstant Drachenfels] Stop sucking up, go get my carriage ready.

[Wilhelm] [with clear interest in his voice] Oooh! Where are we going? Road trip?! Excellent! And here I was thinking  that nothing interesting would happen…

[Constant Drachenfels] Wilhelm, I AM leaving… YOU are staying and you will continue to clean until further notice. I’m going to Athel Loren. I’ll be gone for some time, but when I get back, this Castle is to be spotless.

[Wilhelm] [with despair] But, but … I want to go too!

[Constant Drachenfels] Don’t make me hurt you… Prepare my carriage … Immediately!

[Constant Drachenfels leaves the corridor.]

[Wilhelm] [to himself] That’s not fair! I am to stay alone in this damned Castle and clean while he plays torching and plundering the woods?! [suddenly realizing something] But wait… he’ll be away… Loren is far away… Hmm, hmm. [throwing away the broom with sudden joy] Paaartey!

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