astle library. A small but very high room with a square floor. The walls are lined with shelves on which dusty volumes of all kinds and sizes lay scattered. In the centre of the room there is a large armchair, next to it a table with a red book on it. Wilhelm sits comfortably in the armchair wearing glasses.]
[Wilhelm] [to the audience] Hello. As a form of relaxation after the recent events and the unfortunate obliteration of our adventurers, a large dose of magic, demons, other creatures of, as you call it, supernatural origin and a single intervention from the Void, I will read you one of my favourite fairy tales.
[Wilhelm reaches for a book from the coffee table and shows the audience a cover that reads “Little Red Riding Hood”. Then he straightens up in the chair, clears his throat and opens the book.]
[Wilhelm] Once upon a time, over the mountains far, far away…
[At this point, the scene turns one hundred and eighty degrees. Wilhelm’s voice is now heard only from behind the scenes, while his place is taken by decorations depicting a forest.]
[Wilhelm] [from behind the scenes] … there was a Bretonnian Knight of the Holy Grail named Jean. Due to the crimson hooded cloak he always wore, fellow knights referred to him as Little Red Riding Hood.
[Little Red Riding Hood clad in knight’s robes, armour and a red cloak enters the scene. He is holding a basket in his hand.]
[Little Red Riding Hood] [happily jumping up] La la la … burn infidels, destroy evil, burn infidels, hey! La la la.
[Wilhelm] Little Red Riding Hood walked merrily along the road, singing.
[A beastman enters the scene from the opposite side. He is about two meters tall, with hooves, a face partially of a dog a partially of a wild boar, horns of a bull. He is wielding a mace.]
[Wilhelm] Suddenly, an evil beastman named Arnold emerged from the forest, and Little Red Riding Hood, seeing him, shouted as he used to shout under such circumstances, “By Ulric!”.
[Little Red Riding Hood] [appalled] Wrong religion, you demonic idiot.
[Wilhelm] Whatever, you probably shout something stupid as well…
[Little Red Riding Hood] Not at all. We shout “By the Lady of the Lake!”.
[Wilhelm] [choking a bit] Er, yeah, I stand corrected. [to himself] Of all the stupid things in the world… [to the audience] Anyway, Little Red Riding Hood met the Arnold, the beastman.
[Arnold] Hello Little Red Riding Hood!
[Little Red Riding Hood] [with exaggerated heroic nonchalance] Ha ha! Hail to you, whom I am about to split with my sword in two, to the glory of the Lady of the Lake! By the way, how do you speak with human voice?
[Arnold] “Speak languages” mutation.
[Little Red Riding Hood] Ah … Ha ha! Die then, you mutated Chaos Spawn!
[Arnold] [deviously] Before you kill me, please tell me, what you are carrying in your basket?
[Little Red Riding Hood] Ha ha! The Holy Grail!
[Wilhelm] [interjecting from behind the scenes] The Holy Grail in today’s episode is sponsored by Constant Drachenfels’ magic mirror.
[Arnold] And you’re going to bring it to…
[Little Red Riding Hood] The Lady of the Lake!
[Arnold] [nodding ironically] Yeah, that makes sense.
[Wilhelm] At this point, the cunning Arnold devised a cunning plan to deceive the not-so-cunning Little Red Riding Hood. Thus, using cunning deception…
[Arnold] [looking at a space behind Little Red Riding Hood] Look! A three-arsed monkey!
[Little Red Riding Hood] [looking back] Where ?!
[Wilhelm] …Arnold runs off deep into the forest.
[The beastman runs off into the woods. Little Red Riding Hood stands confused.]
[Little Red Riding Hood] Ha ha! He got the best of me using devilish tricks. I’ll get him another day. Now I have to bring the Holy Grail to the Lady of the Lake.
[Wilhelm] As he thought, so he went on.
[The curtain drops down, commotion is heard behind it. After a while the curtain rises again. The scenery shows the interior of the modest hut of the Lady of the Lake. In the centre of the small room there is a bed, a rocking chair and some plain furniture. A charming blonde is lying bored on the bed, playing with a pillow.]
[Wilhelm] Arnold, being the cunning beast which he was, knew a shortcut in the woods, so he reached the hut of the Lady of the Lake before Little Red Riding Hood.
[Arnold enters the hut.]
[Lady of the Lake] By… [snaps her fingers] By me! Who are you?!
[Arnold] Don’t ask stupid questions… By the way, if you’re the Lady of the Lake, what are you doing sitting in a hut instead of drowning in a lake or something?
[Lady of the Lake] [in a bored manner] Moisture, rheumatism …
[Arnold] I need this hut, to the pond with you!
[Wilhelm] As he said, he threw her out…
[Arnold grabs the Lady of the Lake and throws her out of the window into a nearby pond. Then he dresses his head somewhat with undergrowth and hops into bed.]
[Wilhelm] Then, Little Red Riding Hood arrived …
[Enters Little Red Riding Hood and immediately falls to his knees.]
[Little Red Riding Hood] [excited] Oh Lady! Here am I, Jean! I’m back from a mission! After many years of searching and endless hardships I bring you, the Holy Grail!
[Arnold] [in a woman’s voice] Come closer, young hero…
[Wilhelm] Well, he came closer…
[Little Red Riding Hood] [with hesitation] Oh Lady, why do you have such big eyes?
[Arnold] Because I have some exotic disease that I contracted when the people of Arabia watered camels by my pond.
[Little Red Riding Hood] Why do you have such big horns?
[Arnold] Side effects of rheumatism.
[Little Red Riding Hood] Why do you have such a big mace stuck under the sheets?
[Arnold] To better smash your skull with it and finally get my hands on the Holy Grail!
[Wilhelm] As he said, so he did … [to himself] Nice job, don’t need to actually do much. Maybe I’ll become a full-time narrator.
[The beastman rises from the bed and hits the knight with all his strength with the mace on the head, smashing it like a watermelon. Then he greedily takes the goblet from the basket.]
[Arnold] Finally! It is mine! I wonder what it does … And I wonder if some woodsman will want to take it away from me?
[Wilhelm] As he foretold, so it happened… Enters the woodsman!
[No one new appears on the scene.]
[Wilhelm] Err… I said, “enters the woodsman”!
[The sound of a shattering neck is heard from behind the stage. After some time, “O, Fortuna” starts playing in the background, Constant Drachenfels crosses the threshold of the hut.]
[Wilhelm] Well … that’s no woodsman, but the beastman is still screwed…
[Constant Drachenfels] [reading from a piece of paper in his hand] Ha ha! [frowning] What? What kind of an idiot wrote this?
[Wilhelm] Hey!
[Constant Drachenfels] Give me the Grail.
[Arnold] Never! Over my dead body!
[Constant Drachenfels] If you really need to disturb the order of events…
[The curtain drops.]
[Wilhelm] The scene of violence was cut out due to this being a fairy tail and whatnot.
[The curtain rises. Pieces of the beastman are scattered all over the room. Drachenfels stands with the goblet in his hands examining it carefully.]
[Constant Drachenfels] Okay, let’s find out what it does.
[Wilhelm] As he said, he used his knowledge of magical items.
[Constant Drachenfels] What?! You can drink from it and it will never spill?! What an utter piece of crap… Like Sigmar’s hammer.
[Constant Drachenfels throws the Grail out the window. There is a thump as if someone got hit on the head, followed by a gurgling sound as if the same person was drowning. Constant Drachenfels leaves the room. The curtain falls and Wilhelm comes out in front of it.]
[Wilhelm] The end. Off to bed with ya!
[Then he bows slightly and leaves the stage.]